Wow, i actually forgot my password for my livejournal account (this one) D: I blame my best guy friend, it's all his fault. Really.

Ok so maybe it's my fault for listening to his stories about people who got hacked and ended up loosing everything but...what have I got to lose? Although I do admit, it would suck to lose my short diary spiral back a year ago.

And to whoever may be reading my stuff, I'm over him, the guy that i've been posting about since...forever. Yea, the guy I call 10 or more known as Masaki? Yep. Him. Over, done with, and never going back on that road again.

So it really has been a while since I've posted my own thoughts somewhere(HERE!). Life's been crappy (as usual) and I'm so dead (Yea.) cause I have some regents to take in like 14 days. And then I have to take my SAT II Bio exam June 6th. But I haven't studied, not at all. And the report card that came back? My parents nearly died from a eye attack, brain attack, and heart attack. I'm such a bad daughter, aren't I?

Dear jesus christ, this is really old. :O To any lurkers who read my stuff, the stuff up there was last years post that I never posted for some reason. But on a lighter note, I'm back! And ready to stun everyone with myself, me, and I. Yep, mhmm, not.
I re-read some of my old stuff and wow, I was really into 10, wasn't I? So yea, I actually am over him. I can think about him without wanted to break his face, oh does that sound scary? Anger-management 101. (: But the thing is, I'm way over him, over the moon over him. :D And that's that. I'll still talk about boys, cause there is actually a boy who's progressing rather well with me. The only issue is that he's a semi-jerkface too. Do I have to attract jerks? Not that I'm complaining, but sheesh, I wish someone nice would appear for once. Or someone on the manly side, I've noticed that there's been alot of effeminate guys. I need more men like 2PM or 2AM. :D

More to come tomorrow, and that's a real promise because I intend to use this journal to survive highschool. :) Or rather, survive what's left of it and then survive college. :D

GAH. I haven't been on livejournal for months! :( Horrible. It felt horrible. My internet was down, and blahblahblah. And then I forgot my password, cause I forgot the last number. XD

But aside from that. KYA~!!! I'm so into Ayabie right now. I like Takepi, Aoi, Kenzo, Moroboshi (Yumehito), and Intetsu so much. X3
I'm a huge fan of theirs. I seriosly have to save up my money and buy every album that is being sold and the albums that will be sold.
I'm miserable that I missed their concert in NYC, cause I live in NY. I could have seen them! Live! Up close and personal! But no! My dad is over-protective and doesn't like the idea of me going to a concert hosted by guys. Hot guys. Oh please. I'm not some 3rd rate whore thats going to strip naked and jump them. Haha. I'd be too busy watching them and squealing to do that. So I didn't get to go. T.T

And now, I will proceed to shower~ :D



P.S.: My internet is officially BACK! X] Oh the happiness~

    So, today was the last day of school. What I had expected was a happy ending. What happened was a sad ending. I seriously thought I was going to laugh and say "Bye!" to everyone. But, I ended up crying and sobbing and choking out my Bye's. Even as I write this, tears are springing up in my eyes. The morning went fairly well, I was bored and it was hot but I took like a hundred pictures in each room. It was a half day, so I couldn't go to every room, which was sad. But I admit, I did get some rather nice pictures. He didn't come, I think I've scared him away now. My confession did go rather horribly. Even though he was nice and all, I was still rejected and he still had to go through the hassle of rejecting me.
    I wouldn't call myself a high-maintenance person because I'm not. I do like to eat good food and wear good clothing. But, I wouldn't mind if I was eating road-side stand food because I think it's fun to experience new things. I wouldn't mind wearing discount clothing because if it looks good and presentable, then there really isn't much to complain about. If the food doesn't taste good, I wouldn't complain, I just eat it. I'm not whiny. If I'm dead tired and ready to just plop down at where ever and sleep but someone calls me and asks for me to help them, I don't reject their plea. I just suck it up and go help. I know a lot of people use me, but when they try to use me for big-big things, I retaliate. I'm not some evil conning bitch or anything but when they ask me for big favors, I feel that I deserve to ask them for favors back too. Nothing in life comes free. Not even love. You have to work for it.
    My motto for life is weird and complicated. For the most part, I'm a happy person who smiles and laughs easily. But, I'm still capable of getting sad, mad, frustrated, etc. People seem to think that just because I smile and laugh so much, it's impossible for me to be mad at anyone. They know I can cry but they don't seem to think that I can get mad/angry or hate anyone. I just feel so.....uggggggggggggh~ and unhappy when they think I'm only capable of being nice and smiling/laughing.

Dear Diary,

    I'm scared of next month. I don't want June to come. Right now, June is like the bane of my existance. June 16? Is the last day of school for 9th and 10th graders. I wouldn't really mind it but, it means Masaki isn't going to be there. I'm 100% sure that I love him. Only he creates the goofy smiles and the weird thoughts I have. I love him. I think...that I'll confess to him. Soon. Time is running out. Time that I can't afford to let run by me. What has become of me? I don't even know. My heart is breaking. I think Kelly likes Masaki too. I've noticed something. It seems that any guy I am interested in, someone else is also interested in them too. This annoys me greatly. How am I supposed to feel safe if theres 24/7 competition? I don't want Kelly to like Masaki. I want him for me. I don't like how he has so many female friends. Although I don't like it, I don't want that to change either. Cause, it attracts me. He understands females more, it makes me more comfortable. I don't mind his female friends,they're nice. I just don't want him to make friends with a girl that likes him. Which makes me, a hipocrite because I love him and I want to be friends with him.

Recently, I've been wondering. Just what is love?
Love is when you start to do stupid things and think stupid thoughts for stupid boys.
That of which, I am currently doing.
Seriously.
I've been staring at my "stupid" boy for a long time.
Oh lets say, 9 months?
Gods. I'm going crazy aren't I?
I've been thinking even stupider thoughts about my "stupid" guy.
Like baby names and wedding dresses.
And....our possible dates and fun times.
I even think in my sleep.
Literally.
The "stupid" guy is even in my dreams.
We've hung out and talked alot in my dreams.
Oh lord. Someone call the phyciatrist or something.
I think I need some real help.
Could I possibly be in love?
Impossible!
I'm not mature enough to be in love.
So why is it that when I see him with girls that have the potential to be his girlfriend,
my heart aches and goes into fits of spasms?
Why does my eyes prickle when girl's leave flirty comments and you leave nice comments back too?
Why do I unconciously smile when I think of you?
Why can't I help but smile whenever I see you?
Why is it that when you laugh, my heart jumps and races?
Why does my stomach do flips when you look at me?
Why do I loose my thought process when our eyes meet?
Why can't I stop stop thinkinking of you?
Why is it that you have such a hold over me?
Is it love?

~himeyuzuki~

    I feel like I've been robbed. 'Robbed of what?' You may ask. I've been robbed of my heart. Not my literal heart-the organ, but the feeling it creates. Love. [Insert: Random song about love.]
    I feel empty. Where thoughts should be, lays silence. Where emotions would be running, everything is frozen. Where as my inner-self should be ranting, she's sleeping. If I'm Snow White. Why did my Prince abandon me? [Insert: Hardcore rock.]
    I feel numb. There is no pain. Each cut doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts. Each stroke and slash brings no pain. Brings no relief. No release. Nothing. Nothing....nothing. [Insert: Hardcore Screamo]
    I feel depressed. Everything seems so bleak. So dull and lack-luster. The walls look grey, black, and white. Where did all the color go? They disappeared? How? I can't see the light anymore. Why? [Insert: Tragic love song.]
    I feel defeated. My strength is gone. Sapped right outta' me. What a tragedy I am. Where has the girl I used to be gone? Is she still there? [Insert: Death metal.]
    And, through all of this. A small glimmer of hope shines through. Although I feel as though my heart has been robbed, the feelings will one day return. Where thoughts should be, lays silence. But, one day, someday, thoughts will run wild again. I feel nothing. No pain. No relief. No release. No sadness. Nothing. I will feel something. The day I make a break-through. I will start to feel again. The colors that disappeared? They'll come back too. The girl I used to be? She will wake up one day and take a look around. Take a look around, see what she's been missing out on. And? She'll take stride and recover.
    For now. Her road to normalness hasn't started yet. For now, she is still the girl who has been robbed of her heart. The girl who feels empty, numb, depressed, and defeated. But, that glimmer of hope will come through. She will not be saved. She will save herself. The only hero in her life will be herself. [Insert: Hold On by Good Charlotte. Album: The Young and the Hopeless.]

Owari
Start time: 11:45 p.m
End time: 11:55 p.m
Day: 6/15/08

I will not "preserve" this love. Love cannot be "preserved." Because, love isn't food. You can't add preservatives to it, so it'll expire at a later date. Love is the sporadic, spontaneous, gradual emotion that develops through trial and error. You can maintain love. You can nurture love and make it grow, strong and longer. But, to say that you can "preserve" love is impossible. Because, love can change. In an instant, it can wither and die. Only to be reborn in another place. Love is not always constant. Love is forever changing.

To be continued? Maybe.
Start time: 6/15/08 11:20 p.m? End: 11:23 p.m? This one came fast and in a flurry. 

    I love you. So much that I don't even know who I am any more. Who am I? Someone. Anyone. Help me. I'm lost. So lost...so lost. I can't think anymore. Who am I? Everytime I think...thoughts lead back to you. My thoughts are all jumbled up and messy. Who am I? Who am I? Who are you? What happened? What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? Why does it hurt? Why does my chest feel so...so...so heavy? Why does it feel so hurt? Why does it feel so empty? Where is my heart? My heart is gone? Where has my heart gone? Is that my heart over there? That boy. That boy with dark eyes and dark hair. That boy who makes me feel flustered and happy at the same time? That boy who I..I-I love? Why do I love him? What was it that made me love him? Was it the eyes? Or the mouth? Or the hair? Something?
    I remember. The 1st time I saw him. I felt flustered. It was weird. It was about 2 years ago. I was one of the new students to the new school. I was nervous. I was uncomfortable. And then, I saw him. I was flustered and I felt my face grow hot. Did he see me? I don't know. And? I think I'll never know. It was the beginning of the school year. I forgot about it, sooner or later. And, developed a weird crush on this other guy. But fate wouldn't have that. It was after a short fling with the other guy. I saw him again. Once again, my heart fluttered and skipped a beat. 'Who was this guy?' I thought. But, I was still naive and caught up in other things.
    Looking back, 2 years ago, I realized how blind I was. Here, the love of my life is, and I disregarded it. One year later, on the 1st day of school. Ironic, isn't it? I saw him again. One summer had wiped my memory slate clean. But, my heart would still remember him. Even if my mind won't, can't, doesn't want to. This might be getting old by now. But, my heart stopped for a split second before racing. My mind went blank and I was up in the clouds. It was then and there, did my heart realize it was in love. My mind? Preoccipied by my friends. It would take another month, another accidental meeting, before my mind registered what my heart was feeling.
    It was October, that I met him again. (Our school isn't big, it's actually rather small. I just happen to always be surrounded by people I already know.) I was going to be late to school and I was running to school. I slowed down when I neared my school, about a block's distance. But, I was still panting. My school is like 20 blocks away from my home. While I was rushing up the little set of stairs, I nearly crashed into a guy. I hadn't been watching where I was going. Luckily, I noticed a pair of feet nearing me dangerously, so I looked up. And, wala~ there he was. Time froze. Or maybe, it went on but I froze. Who knows? I remember staring at him in shock. And then, I looked down in embarressment and rushed past him. I remember him looking back at me.
    At that time, I didn't think of love yet. In fact, I forgot about him. A few days after my accidental meeting with him, my friends were talking about his artwork. I didn't know at that time, that it was his artwork. So at night, while I was looking at his deviantart page, I loved the drawings and thought "These dragons are so well drawn. And, these little creatures are so cute! Especially Pokki. He feel familiar." And, I asked around. The morning after, I walked to school. My friend told me that the artist went to our school, and then pointed him out to me. My mind was whirling. It was him.
    Soon, in no real long time, most of my class knew that I liked him. My friends tried to set me up with him. But, I didn't play out my part in their plans. I must be a horrible person but whenever I saw him look at me, my heart stopped. Literally. Time flew by in a breeze. And, after much disasterous events, it was 2008. I was in love. To say 'Love is in the air' would be very fitting. I could only wish.
    His birthday came and went in May, May 18th. Time passes so fast. In only what seemed a blink of the eye, it was already May. Most of the year had passed by. In truth, I think most of my friends were annoyed with me. I loved him, I talked about him a lot. I know how they could be feeling, because a friend of mine, she always said she loved this guy. Literally and every day. Every hour. I could talk to her for an entire day and it would be about him. After a while, it did get annoying. It must have been the same with me. They must have either been really patient with me or decided that the phase would pass soon. Their such good friends. I miss them so much. I love them so much. I don't know what I'd do without them.
    On June 13th of 2008. Or better known as Friday the 13th. I confessed to him. It took a whole day, but I did it. The results? Fair. I was rejected with a simple: Sadly, I don't like you that way. Although he didn't love...or even like me the same way. We became closer friends, in a sense. I confessed on a Friday, today is a Sunday. Tomorrow I will have to leave my shell and face the world again. In preparation for confessing, I had spent 2 hours under cold water. It was my defence, my shield. It numbed the blow. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything. I just sat there. Blank. While my heart was crumbling, my mask didn't.
    On Saturday, I did the customary: Eat ice-cream. Stay in bed for the morning. Shop for shoes in the afternoon. Eat more ice-cream in the afternoon. And, tell half the story to a willing ear. I didn't do the: Also gossip. Sleep over at some friends home. Get yourself drunk. Use up half your bank-account. Party like a rockstar. Watch a gazillion sob love dramas. And, most importantly? I didn't cry. I didn't dare cry. I know, that the moment I start, I won't stop. Well, that's a lie, I would eventually stop. It'd just take a while. If I were to ever cry in public, I would try to pause it and continue in a private sanctuary later.
    Today, Sunday the 15th of June, 2008. I spent the morning sleeping in, til' around 12 p.m. It was then that I rose out of bed and watched an episode of some weird tennis sitcom. It was boring so I quit after 30 minutes of it. All weekend long, I have been trying to skirt around the thought of him but, to no avail. Close to nearly every fuckin' thing reminds me of him. Please pardon me for the vulgar language, but I deemed it in-excusable. It had to be included, to show how fustrated I am with this, all of this.
    After a day of moping around and generally trying fustratedly to move on, I sat down at around 10:17 p.m. to write this. It's been hard. I nearly broke out in tears but I've made it til' now without a teardrop slipping. Believe me when I say it was hard. I was moody to everyone. My brother was told to 'Shut up' many times. My mother was told to 'Stop bothering me. Your annoying me.' quite a few times. My father was told to 'Stop annoying me, all of you.' This makes me look like a real bitch, but I have reason. And, they know I'm not in a good mood, in fact, I'm in a horrible mood. So they didn't take it too seriously, although they did take my bad mood seriously, and left me alone to sort out my thoughts. Which led to this.
    I took my time with this, it doesn't take me long to type out a long and lengthy essay. But, this took longer. My unhappy emotion made this more harder for me to write, or in my case, type. Like every other female who has been rejected for their first time, I wondered. 'What did I do wrong?' 'What is wrong with me?' 'Why did it turn out this way?' I don't think I'll ever be able to answer these questions. The last, I can. It turned out this way because I didn't try hard enough and he just didn't feel the same for me.
    Between every person, I believe there is a line. A line that holds them together. The color for each line represents their relationship. Ours would be red, should be red. Red for love. I see it as red. He must be seeing it as yellow. Yellow for friendship. I can only be a friend to him, for now. And, hope that one day. He'll take a look at that thread, and realize that it was red all along.
    Forever, will he have a piece of my heart. That piece, is slightly cracked but it can be repaired. All it needs is time and love. Over a long period of time, that piece might become smaller but it will always remain there. It will always remain his. I love you, Masaki Momose. It is rather regretfull that something that was there could have bloomed beautifully but only went a quarter of the way. There is a possibility that it can further progress. I will take that chance. This may be the ending of the beginning. But, it is also the start of the ending.

Owari

Start time: About 10:17 p.m. End time: Around 11:15 p.m.  Day: 6/15/08

    I was rejected. Maybe I should backtrack a bit? I decided to still confess to him even though I didn't really feel up to it. So? I ended up getting rejected. Rejection does sound horrible but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. In my mind, I had envisioned two endings. One would be a happy ending, where we would get together. The other was a sad ending, where he would reject me and then ignore me for life. In the end. My ending was rejection, but a happy ending. Were friends now.
    He was being so nice about everything. He didn't flat out reject me and say I don't like you, cya. His was more of a "Sadly, I don't like you that way."  kind of thing. He even wanted me to watch a movie at the same time with him online.
    There used to be a wall. That wall, I've named : Uncomfortable. It was weird talking with him when I didn't confess. But, now that I have confessed, that wall seems to have been knocked out. I still love the guy and I'm only loving him more. But, I'm so happy that I can talk with him for real now. I have actually talked to him but I was always not feeling it. Right now, it's like were finally bonding. I love it. Even though it's my first rejection, I believe that it's still a happy deal.
    My friend said that now that this "wall" is gone, maybe he'll get to know the real me. And? Maybe, he'll fall in love with the real me. I guess, that at this stage. I can only hope. Of course, I can work at it and let him get to know the real me. He was being so nice to me. And, I felt like we were real friends. The way he acts with him normal friends? He was acting like that to me. I felt, like I was finally fitting in with him. Although I was rejected, I got so much in return too.
    I can only wish that he was really trying to be my friend and not pitying me and trying to comfort me.  Another friend of mine, told me that she didn't want to offend me, but she thought that maybe he was only trying to make me feel better. I wasn't offended because that could be the truth.
    I love him. I really do love him. And, I was hurt and sad but thankfully a 2 hour long cold shower, prepared me for it. I was numb. It's so easy to make me happy. I mean, if you sent me a card, I would be happy. If someone bought me an ice-cream cone, I would love them for life. Unless of course, they do someone mean to me then I might not like them. But, back to the subject of making me happy. It's simple. So simple, that his comforting me? Made me feel like a goddess. I still can't say his name yet. So I'll be sticking with either his or him...or he. Any mention of a male and love would be about him.

[Anonymous] 
The world is full of goodbyes.
You probably meet a new one every day,
but that never makes it any easier.

    I love him. And, it hurts. And, yes I know I already said that before. But...it really does hurt. A lot. This time, I've learned a lesson. To not confess so soon. This might sound weird but, for my next love. I won't confess so fast and hurried. I intend on becoming good friends with him. Maybe...just maybe one day. He'll love me in return.

 [Anonymous] 
It's there. I know it is. Because when I look at you, I can feel it.

    I'll keep hope because I feel the love. I feel that it's there. I can see it.  He just hasn't seen it yet. And, maybe he'll never see it. But, maybe he will.

[Anonymous] 
I do what all women do. I think. I blame myself.
I marinate in my failure. I hate myself sometimes. Sometimes I cry.
More often I stare at the ceiling and wonder what is wrong with me.

After he rejected me, I thought and I thought and I blamed myself. I cried and hated myself because I didn't try as hard as I could of, to let him get to know the real me. I stared at the ceiling and wondered the the hell is wrong with me. I could have done so much more and I things could have been slightly better.

[Anonymous] 
I need you. I don’t know why,
but every now and then in my life,
for no reason at all, I need you.

    I really do need him. And, yes, I don't know why I need him. But, I just do. I can't help it...

[Anonymous] 
So let's say that theoretically I really like you, and theoretically even though it sounds moronically cliché and overused, you give me butterflies. 
And just for kicks, lets add that all in theory of course you may be one of the most wonderful people I have ever met, and hypothetically my heart beats ten times faster when I see you. 
Do you think that you would supposedly (and in the most theoretical sense) feel the same way?

I do really like him. I even told him: I really like you. He is one of the most wonderful person I have ever met. My heart does beat 10 times faster when I see him. Do you think that you would supposedly (and in the most theoretical sense) feel the same way? No. He doesn't feel the same way.

And to finish things off for today, because I feel tired and sore all over. The more I get to know him, the more I'm loving him.

Forget about confessing. I'm not even sure who I am at the moment. Why was it all so hard for me? Today is Friday the 13th, my day. The day I was supposed to confess it all to him. Face to face. So why was I so hesitant? Why didn't I tell him?

[Anomynous]
Who do you wanna be?
the guy I tell my secrets to,
or the guy my secrets are about?

I want him to be the guy I tell my secrets to. I like him being the guy my secrets are all about, but I want to be able to tell him secrets too.

[Anonymous]
& When I want him to stop by,
Even if it’s just for 5 seconds
And he actually does,
Just to see me smile,
You know it's love

I do want him to stop by me, even if its for 1 second or 2. He has. I'm not sure why he's stopped for me. But, I know it's love.

[Anonymous]
& I may be just a girl ;
But I am just a girl that
Loves you to death

Yes, I am just a girl. And, he doesn't know yet that I love him to death.

[Anonymous]
Can't see the scars
Can't feel the pain,
All you see is a girl who has no problems
And a fake smile on her face,
Did you ever notice the note on her face screaming help me?

No one sees the scars or the pain. They only see me, the girl who's always smiling and never seems to have a problem in her life. No one's ever noticed that my face is screaming help me. Maybe I'm better off this way?

[ Anonymous]
Just for the record she's a little upset and she
won't vent to anyone.
Her problems aren't important
and no one's listening.
She's crying inside.
But hey, she's beautiful, right?

I have vented a little. But, no one thinks it's that much of a big deal and they don't listen. Inside? I'm a mess. A complete and utter mess.

[Anonymous]
It kills me to know you`re online and you won't talk to me,
it's just time I realize that I don't mean anything
to you and never really did

All those times, I've been on for hours and hours. Did he ever initiate conversation? I guess not. It was always me. Always me taking the 1st step. I guess I don't really mean anything at all to you. I guess I was only a girl who talked to you at times.

[Anonymous]
I won't ever forget. That's what pisses me off the most.
He'll always be a part of my heart.
It's too hard to let go;
Now, that's not even an option.

Yes, its true. I'll never forget him. Forever and ever will he have a part of my heart. It was too hard to let go, but I can't even give up anymore. I love him.

[Anonymous]
I tried to move on. I tried to tell myself that you don't
want me and I can't have you anymore. I tried so hard. But
how can you let go of the only person that makes you happy?
The only person who makes you feel alive? The only reason
you're still here? You just can't let go of someone like that.

Yea, I tried really hard. I cried and took in the pain. Never speaking out. But, he made me happy. With his smiles and grins, I fell deeper and deeper in love.

[Anonymous]
Why is it that when I'm finally getting
over you, you give me a reason not to...

Months ago, I was finally ready to drop it all. But, with that smile and those tiny words of hope. I didn't drop it.

[Anonymous]
I know in the back of my mind
That life would be so much easier
If I never talked to you again. 
If I shut you out of my life & move on.
Then I could finally get over you,
But you make me happy
And whether or not it's right or wrong
I don't have the strength to g i v e u p .

Life would have been so much easier, if I never had to talk to you again. If I could shut you out and move on, life would be easier. But I can't. You make me happy. I don't care anymore, if I can't love you or if I can. I'm not going to give up.

[88 Anonymous]
I'm not in denial, I'm trying hard to let go.
This is a mistake I'm just going to have to learn from.
This situation had a lot more bad than good, and maybe I loved you more than I should.

So, why is it that I'm still partially trying to let go? Yes. It is a mistake I should have learned from and a mistake I will have to learn from. Its true, this situation isn't going good. I do love you more than I should.

    Okay. So tomorrow? As in Friday the 13th? Is what I declare, the day. The day, I, Maria, will confess to, Him, Masaki. For once and for all. Today? June the 12th, of 2006. Im already hyperventilating. Oh gods. Save me. Whether I like it or not, school is drawing to a close. Time is running out for me and him. I've wasted a whole year doing what? Nothing! Call me stupid, call me a moron. Or even call me a idiotic bimbo. I don't care. To me, just seeing him everyday makes me happy. Seeing him laugh, seeing him smile. I smile unconciously. But already I'm so nervous and it isn't even the day yet. Can I not go to school tomorrow??? T~T
    Fine. I am so fine and dandy right now. I'm already envisioning all the bad things that might happen. And? No. Not because it's going to be because it's gonna be Friday the 13th, it's because im a klutz. I trip on air...I think? I choke on air...I laugh at weird things...I make stupid mistakes...I say improper things at improper times. I don't even know what I'll be saying tomorrow. Hi. I love you. No! I meant...I like you. Yea...Ha...Ha...Haha.
    Dear God. Please don't let me mess up and make a fool out of myself. Amen...and thank you.
    Returning to the main idea, I'm so fudged tomorrow. If he knocks me down. I WILL stand up. I'll show him that I won't be knocked down and stay down. Ok. I lied. If he rejects me? I'll keep calm outside. Inside? A mess of tears, curses, self-concious thoughts, self-reprimidation. When I get home, I'll lock my bedroom door up, and cry my eyes out. Then, proceed to put all pictures and convo's with him into a breifcase on my laptop and hope to never open it. I'll even put a complicated password on it, so I won't remember the password and all will be lost. I'll just show him the next day, that I will not remain down.
    On the other hand, if he doesn't flat out reject me, I will be a bundle of joy. Literally. :) I love him. I really do. But, it's so...hard to say it. It's so easy to feel it and to write it, because no one is ever going to see this. But, its so hard to say it out loud. Well, I can admit it out loud, that I love him. But, I can't say it out to him. Why? Because, I have never been good with admiting my love outloud to the person. I can say "Love ya~" to my friends and family members. But, to someone I love-love in the romantic way? I become mute. Which sucks, but, I can't help it!

    Yesterday, 5/30/08, I found out that one of my friends likes the guy I like, Masaki. I don't mind if she likes him, because there are quite a few other girls who like him too. I can't take away the right to be liked by people. She's being nice about all of this, she wants me to be with him. She's my friend, were not that close but I still think highly of her. I don't know what to do. Masaki's last day of school is 6/16. She told me that I should confess to him. I've been thinking...and I think I will.

    One thing that really got to me was, she gave him a birthday present, a plushie of something that he drew. And? He initiated a hug. I've hugged him a few times, and I always moved back before he could hug me back. I'm not sure if he would have hugged me back. But, I guess this is what they call jealousy. I hate this feeling.

    I really do love Masaki. Looking at a picture of him makes me smile unconsciously. Seeing him makes my heart race and I feel happy. When he laughs, I find myself grinning. When he stares at me, I feel drawn into him. I love him.

    But, she's my friend. And, I really like how shes a good friend. But....I've asked a person I really trust, what they think about this. She said: When it comes to boys and love, you can't let up. You love him. So don't give up. Don't hand him over, wrapped nicely with a To and From sticker on top. You have to chase after him and get him.

    HALP~!! Much advice would be nice. :D

Yesterday, I was in a chatroom at night with one of my super duper best friends and Masaki.  He talked less than usual and left the chatroom without any notice. I wonder if my weirdoness and randomness scared him away. He came back in the room later, but he didn't say anything. I wonder if I did something wrong. I remember the last thing I said before he left the 1st time was about a guy in my class, who got his hair trimmed exactly 0.5 inches. Maybe he got jealous? I don't think so, why would he get jealous of someone who got his hair trimmed 0.5 inches? I'm so confused. What do I have to do in life anymore? Life is a great thing, if only I knew the good of it and not all the bad.

that I haven't given up on him. I tried and I tried and I tried but it didnt work. I tried to forget, I tried to ignore, I tried to move on but I failed. On monday I messed up but on friday I think I patched things back up. Just a days ago, on the last day of school before our spring break, I was wearing a guy friends hoodie, It's a bit big on me. And, its greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. I like black but green is okay, I guess. And, then I saw him in the hallways, on my way to social studies class. I sort of blanched when I saw him, cause I wasn't expecting him to be there, since thats my class (its at the end of the hall, meaning no more classrooms after that, so why would he be there?). I proceeded to gawk for approx. 0.55 seconds before I zipped up the hoodie and put on the hood. =D I was looking up at him so it didnt cover my face as it usually does. And he was smiling. Gods. I think I died and went to heaven. I waved at him and smiled (Only a small smile. Or was I mistaken? I can't remember, all i can remember is him. Him and Him. Maybe i was grinning?) And he waved back at me and smiled. Not a Hi-I-Don't-Want-To-Make-This-Long-So-Here's-A-Smile-Now-Scram-Smile, it was one of those smiles that take up half your face and when you try to force it back down into a small smile, it won't go down kind of smile. After school, I think he was waiting for me. Cause, his usual group of friends were already all there and I was lagging behind to hug all my other friends and say "bye" to them. Secret: I was waiting for him to turn around so I could jump him. But, he didn't turn around. How sad. So I didn't get to hug him. Even more sadder. But, knowing that he was waiting for me, made me happy. Very happy. Extremely happy. Drop dead happy. Do you get it? I think by now you do. XD I love him. I really do. Alot and alot.

I'm giving up on the guy I lik-love. One of my best friends was trying so much to help me, she pulled the guy over to my table. Fended off all his annoying friends who called her a "fan girl" and then I was the one who messed everything up. I feel so stupid and retarded. Marlene ended up having to talk to him because I said a simple "hi" and then proceeded to play chinese poker with my friends. I'm such a lost case. It's not even funny anymore. I still have this little lump of hope that anything between him and I will happen but, its dying fast. I feel so detached nowadays, it's like im just walking around to classes without my heart there. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so separated from everyone. I want to be close but I feel like everyone is shying away from me. Love is so painful, I've cried so much because of it and I've changed so much because of it. Seriously, I'm thinking of going goth-emo. I've always wondered, does cutting really make a cutter happier?

Love is so weird. It comes and doesn't leave for a long time.

It was a few month's ago that I realized that I have a crush on this guy. His name is Masaki, yes, he's japanese. I'm so dead. XD I think he's going to be the death of me. So sad. 

Listening to this song right now isnt scary. But listening to it at night in the dark with no lights on freaks people out. Try it...